PEACE OUT BLOGGER

So I did it.



I created a new blog on wordpress - we'll see how happy that relationship becomes. Please refer now to: Yoginisquest.wordpress.com

I need to get back to the shala

Too bad wordpress blogs look so much cooler than my lame blogger one. I'm contemplating switching over - although, I imagine it will be a big pain in the ass for Julie and anyone else who has this one bookmarked (if anyone has it bookmarked).

Dragged my butt out of bed this morning for the 7 am led 1st series. I'm so glad I went now...but I seriously felt like lead today. I practiced next to two of my favorite ladies. One of them is seriously unreal, not that the goddess isn't :-)

I watched J as she pulled up from bakasana with one leg and went into eka pada bakasana...and no it wasn't like the angled diving back one, she had her straight leg fully up in a handstand. Oh wait, and then, she went to do her floating jump back, but as she pulled her feet effortlessly through, she went straight up into a handstand. Like really, I wasn't aware that was humanly possible, especially from a woman who is incredibly thin, not to mention, looks like I could break her if I pushed her over.

WHATEVER.

Yoga isn't about comparing...

Needless to say, it was inspirational. Although, I'm not sure if even if I did put years into my practice if I would ever be able to do some of that stuff. I know, I KNOW, being showy doesn't matter. It's not about that, it's just realizing the amount of bandha connection and control that is involved, and really the amazing things that can be done effortlessly (well, it looks that way) if they are properly engaged.

I think it would be safe to say that I need to get back to my regular yoga routine...

"Mike Hunt"

HAHAHAHA JULIE and all the other ____ bitches!

Last night we had our girlie gathering, one our last with Tara :-(. I tell you, I wish my friends had more spare time and that we could all get together more often. Not like I should talk much, since most of my time these days has been consumed by the bf and work. The best thing about yoga friends is that they are willing to start early and finish early. There is no prolong drawn out activity of shot taking until 2 am, there are no massive hangovers, well, because we are all majorly buzzed after two drinks.

I didn't practice this morning. I'm going to just do intro to second this afternoon. I slept from 11:30 to 10am. I needed that..

I spoke to my girlfriend last night, you know Ryan's X. Anyway, she's the one I'm teaching yoga with now, we've become good friends. Interesting how doors are always open, if you just remain open to them. We talked on the phone for over 2 hrs. A lot of information came out that was brand new news to me. I admitted to her, I would not have been able to listen to this had it been any sooner...not like I was much ready for it last night. I'm still a bit shocked over everything I found out and certainly realize that nothing is as it seems. I guess I should know that as I seem to be able to mask things pretty well. I can say "Nothings wrong" or make people think nothings wrong, or make a joke about something, that is incredibly serious to me. I seriously feel a bit fooled by everything that was created and despite the fact that at one time, I felt an amazing connection with R, I apparently was the bigger fool.

No, I'm not bitter - but my inuition was again, right. I just couldn't pin point what my fear was at the time.

So while M and I have some issues, he actually wants to spend time with me, and call me and make sure I'm okay (well, I say that now). He's affectionate and tells me he cares and I believe him. I'm aware of his insecurities, while I was just truly made aware of Ryan's last night (now that we know longer talk). I almost prefer to just have everything out in the open as soon as possible, rather than prolong it out and find out there's monster's in the closet (and HUGE monsters at that). It's not a big deal about Ryan anymore though, he's long gone and I've moved on (hehe did I rhyme?).

The only thing worse than a stinky man...

is a really sweaty one.

So since I was too damn sore to practice yesterday, I decided to pack it in today. I did a light mysore practice on my own at the gym and then went to the improv class tonight. I normally start getting whiffs of BO during sun salutations and today, I believe it was from the large man next to me. I happened to look over on the floor when we were awaiting instruction and noticed there was a large (and I mean, massive) puddle of, nope, not water, SWEAT. I was largely grossed out. I don't know why, I mean, plenty of people sweat, but I think there was a rainstorm. Not to help the situation at all, we did natarajasana tonight and when he was rotating his shoulder around to pull the strap on his foot, sweat flung onto my mat...THREE FEET AWAY!

I'm a bit surprised at how tapped into my bandhas I'm beginning to feel. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to pull into a handstand and fold into padmasana. We did a bunch of different postures tonight, with a good amount of bandha work. Rich had us try hopping into a semi floating handstand with one leg up and one bent, then we did it with bent knees. Now, I've never been a fan of going into a handstand with one leg (aka the scissor kick) or jumping into it with bent knees. Prior to starting my work on handstands, I had spoken with a girlfriend who has some solid, kick ass handstands and asked her for suggestions. She told me she jumped into them with straight legs because might as well learn them the right way if you're going to learn them.

Anyway, most people think jumping into them with straight legs is harder...I for some reason thinks it's easier. Point being, tonight I was able to find that hovering point in a handstand tuck position and didn't flip over. Here's a hint, USE YOUR BANDHAS!

I have a problem.

Okay, scratch that, I have many problems, but I've come into awareness of one of mine. Whenever I first get into a relationship that I think is really cool (I'm speaking both on terms of friendships and romance), I jump head first. I seriously give waaaay too much of myself and about a large way into it, I feel disappointed because I feel my commitment hasn't been reciprocated. As a result, I end up pulling way back, most of time, I end up pulling myself out of the close relationship entirely. So what's the solution? Hell if I know, but I finally recognized it yesterday. So, maybe I shouldn't jump so quickly into relationships? Right, that's like telling me to stop spending money on things I don't need.

Fear and love

I am so sore today...sore in places I have never been sore before and places that well, I'm typically always sore. My quadriceps are really sore today. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I did a bunch of squats and stairs yesterday. I was going to practice tonight...but my body still feels just as stiff as it did earlier today and doing a forward bend would be incredibly painful. So, I guess I'll just do a little bit at home...RIIIIIGHT, we'll see if that happens.

Things are great again between M and I. We had to talk and I had to give him space, just like I needed mine. I talked to my sis about it yesterday and she told me that men communicate differently than women. DUH. I really hate how sometimes I blog about what I'm feeling in the moment and then I feel differently later - but oops, you guys already read what was on my emotional mind at the moment. And you're right, nothing is ever perfect. My lack of relationship experience has made this one feel incredibly intense and with nothing to compare, I'm not sure if it's normal or not. Anyway, next week marks two months since we religiously started seeing eachother. The scary thing is we have only spent one full day apart from eachother since then.

I had attended a few of Tim's intro classes recently. I generally sit in a corner and observe and take notes. He generally recites a sutra, explains what it means, and how it relates to ashtanga and more often than not, life in general. I happened to come across some notes I had taken a few months ago. I wrote down how humans are capable of two things fear and love. It's out of these two that we take a lot of action. In comparing to the practice, it's out of fear that we can be afraid to try something new. In life, this fear prevents us from moving forward and letting go and so on and so forth. I guess I need to chill and not be so fearful of this relationship and where it might go.

Is it okay to just want to give up...

I finally got my reimbursment check from company x!!!!

In the meantime, I taught at 7 this morning. More people showed up luckily...then I went to mysore and found that my quads felt so weak. I thought they were on the verge of cramping. It felt so good to practice today. Although, I felt rigidity in lots of areas. After class, I went and taught a yoga class for my friend. So pretty much did about four hours of yoga today, and I doubt I will be able to bend over tomorrow.

Now if I could only get along with the bf...yeah, we got into an argument last night. Although, it wasn't really an argument, it was more of the awkward silent treatment. Actually, he started with the silent treatment and I asked what was wrong. I got the, "nothing's wrong" and then I got upset. I'm feeling like I'm the one who makes the effort to make amends or fix things, and it's tiring. For those of you who are single, I envy your position right now.

Not my time

I can't stand when people put conditions on things...like, if this happens, then maybe this will happen. This probably isn't making very much sense.

Anyway, yesterday, I had this tremendous wave arise over me...I MISS MY FRIENDS. I decided to practice last night at the mellow improv class. We ended up doing things in large amounts for the summer solistice, in an effort to do things 108 times. We did 27 variations of backbends, 27 surya namaskaras, 18 navasanas, 27 handstands, etc. I was rather sore this morning. Immediately after class I phoned up a handful of my closest friends, I really just wanted to have a glass of wine and talk. Unfortunately, because of my last minute planning, no one was available. I ended up going to my neighbor's and having a glass of wine while her son passed out on her lap. Still...that was better than nothing.

I think I've jumped to too many conclusions with the bf. He's got some major insecurity issues that he's well aware of and it's putting a strain on our relationship. It's actually stressing me out big time. I can't fix him and I'm only going to drag myself down in the process. I'm seriously on the verge of this just isn't working out.

AND I'm on the schedule to work a double tomorrow...which pretty much means, I'll be working from 10:45 am to 10:30 pm.

Not to mention, I'm working tonight too.

Let's see, I'm thinking of a four letter word right now, first two letters are an F and a U.

AND no, it's not not the word FUN, oh wait, that's a three letter word.

TABBY CAT!!!

Just saw your blog...truth is, I rarely sign online anymore, more or less update my own blog. When I do though, not to worry, I check yours! Truth be told, I get way more hits when I write something controversial or opinionated. By the way, how come you've never allowed comments? I'm forced to write comments on my own blog post - which is fine and all, but I never know if you'd ever actually see them.

As for the latest here, I started teaching a 7 am yoga class with an ashtanga base. Today, the first day, there was a whopping 5 people which included my friend who is Ryan's x, her friend, the bf (who I most likely dragged there out of guilt) and then one random girl. Oh wait, that's only four people, not including me...

I managed to practice Sunday and yesterday Mysore...almost made today's, but M and I ended up going out to breakfast after my easy one hour class. Practice was pretty decent yesterday, but it was freaking crowded! I'm never sure why I can land handstands so much easier in class than out randomly in my studio, or on the beach. "Easy" is relative, of course. I did get to practice next to Jenna and near Vanessa, which was a complete delight!

I need a tan

I only practiced a whopping 2 times last week. Talk about hitting rock bottom in the practice world...I was able to drag myself into led first series today. It wasn't that crowded. I noticed I was drastically more tired and fatigued, my endurance is for sure lacking. After Navasana, I didn't really feel like putting much energy in floating jump throughs and just flopped around. I did get to practice next to Julie, which I haven't done in a long time. That was very fulfilling. Anyway, I was pretty darn stiff today, but I'm pretty gosh darn glad I went to class. Looking forward to getting back into the groove of things...of course, now we've got a massive amounts of students at the shala for Teacher Training, not to mention other randoms visiting from out of town.

Anyway, not to worry you readers, I'll be back in asana action again soon. I picked up a copy of Namarupa and that will hopefully help kick me back into gear.

The bf (still having to adjust to that title) starts summer school this week. After spending practically every day together since we first started hanging out, I have a feeling there might be some separation anxiety. Not that we'll stop seeing each other, it's probably better because it will make us appreciate each other more. I happened to get upset over something the other night and left work unhappy, scribbled out a quick note to M, left it at his door and came home. I was numb and tired and my mind kept hoping that M would actually come over and hug me. I was in the midst of watching Monster's Inc. when I thought I heard a knock on my door. My heart skipped a beat, did he actually come to talk to me?

After opening the door, I instantaneously felt like a dumb ass. No one was at the door. Ah yes, once again living in my imagination. Except this time, I actually started hearing things!

I decided to wash my face, call it a day, and attempt to let it go for the night...then I heard actual knocking on my door. And it was M and he walked in and gave me a hug. So while this whole relationship thing has brought in a rather large distraction in my life and some unwanted and possibly desired emotional stress, I'd have to say the vast majority of the time, I'm feeling incredibly happy.

I'm going to have him meet the parents soon.

It's Official

Today was the first day I've practiced since Friday...yeah, majorly pathetic. M came to class with me. I decided to just bring him into a good ass kicking of practice, mysore-style. I decided to sandwich him in between familiar faces (Julie, etc). ECM was there...haven't seen him in forever and he didn't make me think twice...well, other than the fact that I wondered if he noticed the new guy I showed up with. I had the best practice I've had in nearly two weeks. Although, I cut it short because I figured it was probably nicer to do finishing w/ M instead of leaving him hanging. He was a bit bemused as he watched our most advanced practitioner do buddhasana.

We've been practically glued to the hip this entire weekend. So yes, yes, for the first time, I have an offical boyfriend. The whole "official" title aspect isn't what matters to me, it's just nice having someone who really wants to spend time with me and include me in his life.

Blah, blah, mushy gushy

He he :-)

I've lost it

You know how when you scratch a dog in a certain spot they do that thing with their leg...that like panting action and leg thumping? I want to do that when I clean my ears with q-tips.

Okay, moving on from my randomness, today is gorgeous. The sun's rays have finally penetrated the marine layer and are now sitting on the sand. Unfortunately, with the sunshine, also emerges hundreds of thousands of unwanted tourists whose skin hasn't seen the sun in ages. You can pretty much spot most tourists out on the beach. IN fact, you can spot people who live twenty miles inland. So what's the point? I hate traffic and that's all any of this brings.

On that note, practice sucked today, but what was I expecting? Everything felt heavy. I did land a handstand - seeing as I only attempted one. My back feels so stiff right now...I look at my pic on my profile and I don't think I can manage to do vrchikasana right now.

I think this is becoming a pattern....shitty practices and pessimistic blog posts. Sorry.

Ahimsa

Maybe I should try actively applying the first limb in my life.



Easier said than done.



So to combat the fact that M overreacted, I clearly overreacted in thinking it was done. I hate how my emotions jump to those conclusions. Things are great now, we just had to address things through. Don't you just hate insecurities? I have the hardest time telling my parents when I'm interested/dating, etc someone. I mentioned to my mom that I've been hanging out with someone from work lately, she didn't seem too enthusiastic. First words were: "Oh is he younger than you?" After that, the conversation pretty much fizzled. She was probably thinking ohh no, she's having sex!!! Either way, thanks for hearing me out in my last post...



I didn't make mysore today, in fact, I haven't done a full practice once this week, nor has my body even felt like doing yoga. I went to the intro class tonight...I figured, some yoga is better than none. I was tired and dehydrated, after all I'd spent 2 1/2 hours at the beach and then 2 1/2 hrs at the pool right after. I'm royally enjoying being so absorbed in a new relationship, but I'm probably neglecting "life." It's okay, I imagine the honeymoon will die down once he goes back to summer school...but in the meantime, I guess I should lavish in it.

This is what I was afraid of...

I gave company X a deadline date to send me my final check...today was the date, I haven't received anything.

Everything seemed far too great between M and I. Just when I finally found someone I feel incredibly comfortable with and secure, I realize, he's swapped positions with me. M is two years younger than me and we all know, esp at my age, a two year age difference (esp if the guy is younger) can be a big one. M is pretty mature about most things, he's been open to trying new things and more than accomodating for my needs. I've failed to mention him to my parents, just because it still seems pretty new. In the past month, we've spent probably 5 if not 6 of those days together a week. Attachments happen naturally and he's made it apparent that he's afraid I will leave him. His lack of trust in himself is translating itself out to anything I do at work - basically, jealousy if I'm talking to another guy. I'm not normally one to verbalize if I'm feeling jealous or insecure, so in that sense we're kinda opposite. Anyway, something happened at work last night and now I fear M has scared himself away.

So it was a quick run, totally sucks, sure you might say "it's probably for the best," but really, that's not what I want to hear (as my sister just told me). I guess my motto: I'll mourn you today and let go of you tomorrow.

Practice sucked today. I didn't want to do any of it. I did a lousy first series, crappy jump throughs, terrible backbends...but I did it. At least if I'm alone again, I can get back to my yoga practice because I guess that's what this is all about...

Speed Demon

Didn't practice yesterday.

M and I decided to have a sushi making party after work Sat night...which meant we didn't eat until like 11:45. We had a leisure day yesterday, woke up late, ate late, walked, started watching a movie, fell asleep...a totally and completely unproductive day. He was rapidly losing his voice in the afternoon and we were conveniently meeting my sis and her new man for dinner. M couldn't even talk at this point...

We didn't get home until 10:45...so I obviously didn't make it to 7 am mysore. I watch my girlfriend's 1 year old Monday and Fridays at 9, while she practices. Today, I was able to arrange so I could come in at like 10:15, instead of 10:30 and have a speedy practice until 11:10. Let's just say, it was a practice on crack. I only did up to baddha konasana, a cracked out v chakrasana, and then flew thru finishing. LOTS and LOTS of tapas.

I'm really enjoying spending time with M, even though we've been practically unseparable. I'm beginning to notice some of my insecurities about trust creeping in on me. I know I shouldn't doubt him or me, after all, we spend a vast majority of our free time together. Still, it's so natural for me to get paranoid...

Blaaaaah, the weather sucks right now!

Rolfing #1

Today, I got my first rolfing session...some of that stuff was practically painful. I had this sensation like I was hitting my funny bone over and over and over. I mean, once is bad enough, imagine the nerve just getting striked repeatedly. She also told me that apparently my fourth rib down is protruding more than the others - something that really caught her interest. She's not sure, but she wonders if it a contributing factor to my back flexibility.

My "rolfer" LOL told me that people sometimes get emotional during rolfing sessions (I've also heard the same with yoga). I personally have never had this happen in yoga. I don't know if my emotional wall is up or what. I consider myself to be particularly emotional, although, not a pda of emotions. My general disposition is probably smiley, happy, outgoing, energetic...you get my point. It's not to say that things roll of my back easily, because they don't. I stress and worry worse than anyone I know and I take it out on myself secretly. If someone pisses me off, I'll either give them the cold shoulder, the smirk, and pretty much pretend like I just don't care - I mean, by gosh, the last thing I'd want anyone to know is that they got under my skin. We'll see what happens.

Speaking of emotions and hating hot and cold drama, I think I create more drama for myself then is actually there. In my need to be so connected to people, and probably too considerate, I have a tendency to feel nervous around someone if something goes bad once. M and I had a little "tiff" last weekend. Okay, it was more of a complete misunderstanding and I still think it was quite the overreaction. ANYWAY, now I'm being paranoid at his body language (and mine) at work (of course, it's hard to work with someone under these settings and keep everything under wraps). Regardless, things have been really good since in terms of communication. We are really connecting well to talking about things...of course, when shit hits the fan, we'll see how good we talk about anything.

I jumped back!!!

and I'm fighting a cold right now.

Okay, so the floating jump back was done in the baby pool at the clubhouse yesterday. It's a lot easier halfway under water. I got the jist of what it's supposed to feel like and suprisingly, after doing that twenty times, I'm sore in weird spots on my back and stomach today.

Practiced Wed night instead of in the morning. I have waaay too much flexibility and energy at night. It's almost hard to control and restrain. My jump throughs rocked though. I don't jump through with straight legs, for those of you wondering...I've been working on the slow cross legged ones to build up my bandhas. Anyway, Wed night was the first time I solidly was able to bring my feet through and completely clear the floor, no toe drag or anything. The key I think is to looking at the spot I normally look to when I'm going to jump to uttanasana and engaging my mula bandha. Okay, don't quote me on that, we'll see if I can pull it off today.

I also could barely land any handstands...too much bendy, happy energy...

M is coming to led first series again today with me at noon. I think we're both fighting a cold right now, so this should be interesting. About ten huge martians shot out of my nose this morning. Yuuuuummy. We layed out at the beach yesterday. I love and hate summer here. I hate how it draws in so many crowds and tourists, but I love the weather. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds...

It's that time of year again

Practice was pretty gosh darn good today...I mean, it wasn't extraordinary. Led 1st series is always packed.

I found my point of reference today during the surya namaskaras to float from downdog to standing. There's a point in the middle of my hands I look at, or actually, I look a little beyond, so like the point at the top of a triangle. Anyway, I maintain my focus on this point, yes and engage my bandhas. Okay, so if anyone else was watching, they probably didn't think I was floating, but I kinda felt like it was happening. I landed all my handstands in between navasana today, totally strong. Great feeling. YOU KNOW, it was probably because I got some sleep last night and didn't drink any alcohol (which means I'm screwd tomorrow b/c I already drank two glasses of wine). My jumpthroughs were a little retarded though.

My back has been rather stiff lately, stiff for me okay. It's been quite an effort for me to walk my hands in. Tim had us do 9 backbends today and I was screwing around and did vrchikasana 3 times. It's so much easier when I don't freak myself over it. I also made a conscious effort to not clench my jaw by attempting to keep the tongue on the roof of my mouth. You'd be suprised how winded I get at the end of practice when I've been tensing up my jawline for 90 min.

I spent a good majority of this morning pampering myself and running errands. I got new make up, tried on bikini's, got a pedicure...Pedicures are big freaking deals to those of you who know what my feet always look like. Have I posted this video before?



Thursday is a moonday, which means I HAVE to practice tomorrow...let's hope I'm not stiff.

Runaway...

Practice today was really nice surprisingly. I haven't done second series in over a month and had no expectations but the worst for today's class. I woke up stiff (yes, after drinking too much wine last night) and decided to just go for it. Tim did a good amount of prep work today for kapotasana. While my hips seem to be opening, my upper back seems to be getting stiffer...not to mention, my left shoulder. My hamstrings were relatively stiff up until the end of practice. Still having issues with Mukta Hasta Sirsasana C, you know, the headstand where your arms are supposed to be straight out to the sides. Backbends were excruciating. Yeah, I said excruciating. On the final backbend, I though, "Ah, what the hell, might as well attempt vrchikasana." And so it seems, when I attempt it without trying, I land it easily.

I don't think I'm emotionally cut out for relationships. Or maybe, I'm just not emotionally mature, which is probably more accurate. My girlfriend's and I were talking last night about the idea of relationships in conjunction with the "What the Bleep Do we Know." She said she's in love with the idea of being in love. I probably am exactly the same. I let my guard down easily at first and then when I feel any inkling of rejection or insecurity, I panic. Why do I want to run when I feel insecure?

Ahh, I got tagged

Thanks Julie...oh yeah, and I guess Clare tagged me too. Although, I'm not sure if I should be singing your praises (lol). You guys ready for some juicy stuff?


Let's see...


1. My sorority (yes, I was once in one) nickname was Table tease.


2. I chose Cal Poly over UCLA and still wonder if I made the wrong choice


3. Being asian is great since I rarely have to shave my legs and I've never shaved my armpits, BUT I hate how it also means that I have no eye brows and very little eye lashes - which means I look ugly without make up (not to say that I look all that hot with it on)


4. I lost my virginity (to the wrong person) and smoked pot for the first time New Years 2000


5. People who tell me that they think I'm loud (volume wise) when I talk, I tell them, "You should hear me when I get wasted"


6. At first I thought it was cool, but now I hate having a myspace account - too many people have attempted to contact me, that I really don't want to have anything to do with anymore...I keep it for the few that I do want to keep in touch with - or well, the few that are too mutually lazy to call eachother & that I never see


7. I've been fired from two jobs...one that I deserved and one that I didn't (but was a complete blessing)

8. There was a time when all I cared about was going VIP into fancy clubs, being surrounded by hot men, and making lots of acquaintences...now all I'd rather sit at home, watch a movie and eat candy with a friend.

And now I'm running late for work...I'll tag some people later

Too much sukha, not enough sthira...wait, what?

I was freaking sore yesterday. You know, the soreness when EVERYTHING is aching. I could barely bend over.

Practice today was okay. I really just want to scream "I SUCK WHEN THE @*#! AM I GOING TO IMPROVE!!!!!!!!!!"

Hmmm...maybe if I cut back on my sugar intake. I got super frustrated doing viparita chakrasana today. I haven't had so much trouble in I don't know how long...probably since I first started doing them. First I couldn't get into a handstand, and then I couldn't get over and then in a backbend I couldn't get back into a handstand. I finally stood at the front of my mat with my arms crossed, pretty much pouting if anyone was looking at me.

Tim walks over and gives me his stupid smirk, "What are you doing?"

"I can't do vrchikasana and it's making me mad."

He responded with, "Eh? too much sukha, no sthira?"

"HA, yeah whatever."

I have a habit of getting myself beat up too lately. I don't know if I'm careless or what...my car door closed on my shin when I was getting out, I slammed my elbow into the door yesterday (and doing chaturangas today hurt), I got my finger stuck under a ton of menus, one of the bussers opened a super heavy drawer and it dragged over my foot...

Maybe it's just too much stupid, not enough brain

Remember when...

Took M to probably the easiest version of first series offered at the shala. It was really warm, as it always is at night. There was about 30 people there too. We had gone over some basics beforehand, surya namasakara, jumping back, jump through, you know, the vinyasa deal. I was freaking open last night. Talk about gumby. Rich pulled me easily into dwi pada - first time ever. I know it's there now, it's just hiding.

M did really good, not that being good or bad would matter. Although, I think it was raining on his mat though.

After class, we went out to sushi (after cleaning up obviously). I was wiped out. I never get that fatigued in the morning mysore class. M was expressing some frustration about his lack of flexibility. I had to remind him not to compare himself to people who have been going everyday. I know exactly the feeling though. I remember getting so frustrated when I first started because I was so sore and just wouldn't open.

Wait a second, I still get frustrated.

Please don't make me want you

Although it's much too late
It's a just a thing we can't escape

THE DATING DIARIES

(okay just kidding)

Remember SD? The now 44 year old man who really wants me to date him for some reason? He probably just wants what he can't have. Anyway, I hadn't seen him for over 9 months and he sent me a random email inviting me to his big birthday bash. He was sincere in his email, not using any pet names or cheesy "miss you's." So I went and made an appearance. I brought my sister and her roommate (better to go in groups). Now, I unfortunately am very facially expressive, not to mention that I can be incredibly cold or warm with my body language. Let's just say I was very cold. He had girls ranging from 17-40 and a huge swarm of ugly, supposively rich men. I left after an hour and a half (it felt like five long hours). He's a nice guy and I haven't been able to put my finger on what bothers me about him so much. Well, other than the fact that he's 20 years older than me and won't lay off about dating him.

A lot about a person is revealed by whom they choose to surround themself. If looks could have killed, my sister and I would've died the second we stepped into the house. We walked in overdressed (not because we were too fancy, but because we had too many clothes on), I felt a victim to insecure evil stares by a good majority of women there.

Anyway, I was a bit bothered at the party. I lacked in compassion and found myself saying labeling a majority of the women there as vain, shallow, and stupid. I won't divulge my opinion in the males. I felt bad for thinking that because when you step away from the situation, none of it is real. They aren't really who they are, they're just putting up a display.

One of my girlfriends swears that I'm completely absorbed in being with someone who's really good looking and rich. She has plainly told me to my face that "Oh he's not your type, he's cute, but he doesn't make enough money." It bothers me a bit. Okay, the good looking part is true, the money part isn't. I'm not going to sit there and convince her otherwise though, it's tiring. Sure, ECM had money (the only person I've dated that has had money), but Ryan didn't and M doesn't.

It doesn't matter to me right now. I just like spending time with someone that I mesh well with, you know? M is actually coming to led first series with me tonight.

Just call me stiff

Today was the first time I've practiced since last Thursday...However, in the past few days that I didn't do asana practice, I managed to practice increasing my alcohol tolerance and screwing up my sleeping pattern pretty badly.

Well, I walked into the shala and wondered if my body would even remember how to do yoga. So how was my practice?

After staying up until 4 am Thursday and Friday and drinking both nights, and staying up until 2 am Saturday night/Sunday morning and not really fully getting enough sleep on any of those three nights - How do you think you'd do?

I shouldn't have to answer that...

Let's just put it this way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow's practice.

Oh yeah, why is it that when you cut your cuticle too short, it takes FOREVER to stop bleeding?

Slacker

I've been slacking big time this month...ever since I started working at, no scratch that - ever since I started hanging out with M. It's okay though, you only live once. I mentioned to him that I blog...he asked me what my site was. I don't want him reading my blog, for fear he will go back to all my posts and find out about how weird I really am... I mean, I can't really go back and erase every bad post can I? I guess I'd run the risk of deleting my entire blog.

I had every intention of practicing this morning.

HA HA who am I kidding. I started drinking last night with my neighbor at 6:30 and then went over to M's house. We had another late night...4 am. This is becoming a pattern, not good if I ever want to actually get some real sleep. So M and I talk about the most random stuff, I wonder if me being older has anything to do with me feeing more comfortable about discussing things. He's the first aquarius I've dated. I guess to a majority of the population, that means nothing.

Anyway, I like approaching a guy I'm interested in (yes, in case you're wondering, I hit on him). It gives me the option to be selective, granted, I'm also risking my pride if I get shot down. I actually am not really into guys that hit on me. I don't know why. Well, other than sometimes I'm obviously not attracted to the guy AT ALL.

I start training for cocktailing tonight and I'm so freaking nervous. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I decided to pull out of Teacher Training, I can't take two weeks off of work :-(

Almost completely kick ass

I start training for cocktailing on Friday - woohoo, looking forward to making some really money for a change. I just have a ton of studying to do before then. I had every intention of dedicating every minute of yesterday morning/afternoon to studying the menu. However, I found every possible opportunity to do something else. I cleaned my place, really, really good, washed my towels, changed my sheets, did the dishes, you get my point...

The mentoring is very tiring...definitely reinforces how much I don't want kids of my own. It's good though because it forces me to work on my patience...in a really big way. The ten year old of one of the families I work with is particularly defiant and stubborn. Hm...reminds me somewhat of myself. Although, I've never really been defiant, just damn stubborn. The two sisters attend a private Christian school. The mom monitors what they watch and eat pretty intensely. This is the ten year old who tells me on a regular basis that she's fat. I'm not sure if it's a ploy to get attention, but either way, some seeds been planted somewhere in her head about her body image. Her mom thinks she's doing everything necessary to help out her daughters.

My first handful of school years were spent in a private Christian school. My mom monitored what I watched pretty closely. They thought giving me a curfew was for my own good and having rules was to prepare me to function as an adult. She wonders what happened to me in high school when I became so rebellious and angry. My parents wonder what they did wrong parenting. So, what happened?

My mom protected me the best she could, she sheltered me as much as possible - but you see, a parent can't protect their child from the world. I think school (particularly high school) is the worst possible place for a kid...sorry, for all you parents who have children. So my suggestion, if you want kids that are raised well and unharmed, raise them in a farm far away from the world...no wait, even better, a big cardboard box.

Practice felt pretty good today. I got to practice next to Shayna for the first time in mysore. It was very enjoyable and helped me stay focused (somehow). Nothing too spectacular happened today. I'm still sore from all the freaking walking around I've been doing. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in three days...ohhh shit, tomorrow is a moonday.

Little pity until put in place

There was a hostess recently fired at my job. I had about as much compassion as I have when I step on an ant. In fact, I was glad it happened. She was a bit of a ditz, gave a weak handshake, always came in hungover and was seriously annoying...not to mention, she didn't do her job properly. Okay, minus all of those things, 2.5 seconds after I was first introduced to her, she proceeded to ask me my age and if she could have my ID.

Anyway, I found out that her last day, Saturday night, she was doing coke and drinking vodka in the back room while at work. She keeps trying to get in contact with M (the guy I've been hanging out w/ lately) and called him crying after she was fired. She didn't understand what she did wrong. Hmmm...

I found out later that her dad passed away in the past year. She's 19, drinks all the time and does drugs too. You talk to her when she's sober and she sounds like she's on something. Anyway, she sent a pic text to M yesterday at like 5 am (probably coming off of coke). For those of you familiar with the love/hate relationship with blow, you know, the highs are amazing, and the lows, can be incredibly awful. So she sent a pic to M and it was her arm all cut up and texted with "Help Me."

I don't know what he did in response, he quietly told me at work yesterday...After, I immediately felt like the world's biggest ass. I should know better, especially after what I went through getting fired. Getting fired as a hostess seems like nothing compared to what I recently experienced, but at the same time, it probably feels like the same. Emotions of complete humiliation combined with anger, depression...I won't go on. I'm still going through them. I wish I could put a curse on the last company that I worked with (that fired me)...but I guess I'll just have to let the workings of karma come full circle.

I feel like I should reach out to the girl, but at the same time, I don't want to get sucked into whatever problems she's got.

What's in a name

It's finally cooling off today.

I don't recall if I've posted about this before, so forgive me if I'm being redundant.

I don't really understand why people change their names. I mean, obviously if someone gets married and they change their last name, that's one thing. I suppose if someone had some divine intervention and decided their name only brought about negativity. But even then, isn't that just a way of escape? I have a friend at the shala who's changed his name, twice now. I have a hard time referring to him as his new name. Some people still refer to him as his old name, I just don't say his name. I'm not sure if that means I'm being disrespectful, but I'm not sure what spiritual experience he's gone through to make him all of a sudden decide to be referred to as something else.

I talked to a few people close to him, asking how it developed and if he's changed...they both said they only think he's gotten more egotistical.

He has a friend who had already changed his name prior, for the sake of identity, I'll call him X. I actually point blank asked him once, "What is your real name?" He goes "X." I said, "Nooo, what's your name your parents gave you, on your birth certificate?" He never told me, but rather said, "Oh they were just confused."

I dunno, I often hear about how laborious it is for parents to pick a name for their child. I don't think name placing is generally taken lightly by expecting parents. Isn't it almost disrespectful to reject their gift of a name?

Maybe not. Who knows.

I'm making this an incredibly long post because I have so much on my mind right now. I decided I don't really want to pursue anything with the 21 year old, for a variety of reasons. He actually boldy sent me an email last night, asking what happened, what he did wrong, and that he wants another chance. It sounded a bit desperate, but I felt it was necessary to respond.

I like the 22 year old, he's a total sweetheart and we get along really well...I always reach a point though, pretty quickly into things that freaks me out entirely. I have a hard time dealing with rejection in any form. Not like I've been rejected, but I get this slight inkling of insecurity and I immediately don't want to be involved with anyone (well, in terms of dating). I know I should really just ride this out and not take things so seriously...easier said than done right? I really don't honestly think I'm ready to be involved with anyone because I can't handle myself.

SO maybe I should just change my name...

You can call me Gumby from now on.

It ain't nothing but a thang, chicken wang

Quite often, I find myself getting frustrated with certain postures, particularly ones I know I am capable of doing, but the landing isn't so regular (yet).

My girlfriend told me when she gets ready to go into a difficult posture, she tells herself "It aint nothing but a thang, chicken wang," and then goes for it.

I woke up today today, feeling stiff and tired, because, yes, I went to bed late AGAIN last night. I was truly ready to talk myself out of practicing. I dragged my lazy ass into 9 am mysore and motivated myself by telling myself I was doing a quick 1st series practice. Nothing honestly felt good, but I did what I went to do. I forced myself to do viparita chakrasana, which is getting easier and easier these days to fly through. I reached vrchikasana and made two unsuccesful attempts and then I told myself, hey, let it go, it ain't nothing but a thang, chicken wang. And wala, what would you know?! I did vrchikasana.

Now, if I could only talk myself talk myself into getting my legs behind my head.

ADD

Practice was nice today...my hips and hamstrings are a bit tight though. I had every intention of only doing 1st, but I ended up tossing in my lousy portion of 2nd. I'M GOING TO BE STUCK ON BAKASANA B FOREVER. It's not that I can't land it, Tim just isn't moving me on. It's kinda funny though, I mean, how long I've been here. If I'm at bakasana b this long, just imagine how long I'll be at the eka padas (years!!!!). I did land a sweet vrchikasana after I got done doing the first portion of viparita chakrasana.

I have managed to not consume any alcohol in the past two nights. That's a big deal considering I think last week I drank more nights than was sober. Of course, after I watch the two girls this afternoon, I might consume an entire bottle.

Okay, just kidding.

Two of the girls I mentor for come from a very wealthy family. They are spoiled. Their mom uses the excuse for the 10 year old that she's got special needs because she has ADD. What is up with EVERY child having ADD these days? It's not like they're bipolar or manic.

I went to a site offering a self evaluation test, it listed the following characteristics (I also listed my opinion)

Common characteristics in a child include the following:

difficulty sustaining attention - Yeah, especially if it includes memorization
is easily distracted - ESPECIALLY if my cell phone is ringing
often does not seem to listen - not if it's my mom arguing with me
often does not complete activities - like not paying my credit card bill in it's entirety
loses things - where the hell did I put my car keys
often interrupts or intrudes on others - I just have too much to say
has difficulty awaiting turn in groups - Hmm..no problem here
often blurts out answers to questions - eh, no, but I will blurt out stupid things
often engages in physically dangerous activities without considering the consequences - hello, ashtanga
Talks excessively - what did you say? I was talking
has difficulty playing quietly - So what if I talk to myself?
has difficulty remaining seated - This is the worst for me, I can never sit still
often fidgets or squirms in seat - See above
difficulty following instructions - they're a waste of time

Duh, are you joking me, this "deficiency" is stupid. I probably have ADD with stuff I don't enjoy (ie. studying), but give me something I love (ashtanga) and I'll focus on it. Like the little girl didn't seem to have a problem playing the games she wanted to at Boomers, but when it came to something she didn't like, she started interrupting and pouting. Anyway, her mom uses the ADD as a crutch. I think it might be more of an excuse for the parents to not parent.

It shouldn't matter

But it kinda bugs.

Ryan didn't call me on my birthday. I know it shouldn't matter and it's just another year/day...I guess it matters to me because it's my special day. Even former flame, ECM, had the courtesy to send me an Ecard and call me and sing Happy Birthday. It's not like I haven't been telling Ryan my birthday is coming up for the past month either. I'm such a capricorn too (ascendant)...I probably won't forget.

Life goes on.

Practice today sucked...but I took my sweet time and had no expectations. Okay, it wasn't THAT bad, but everything was a bit stiff. I think the weather might be a major contributor to this problem. It's gorgeous here right now, but really hot. I only did first today...and that took me an hour and forty five minutes. I wasn't rushed nor distracted. The shala was rather empty today too, but it felt good to be in there. I wonder what I look like when I do my practice. Do I look as stupid as I think I look? Not that I want to videotape my lousy jump throughs...I guess that shouldn't matter either.

I'm off to layout and study to become a cocktail waitress!!!

Birthday's Rock!!!!

I love having birthday's, especially when everyone is down for getting together. Today is my 24th birthday...and I work all day, but that's okay.

Friday night, Julie had a party for me at her house. A majority of my closest yoga pals were there. I would have to say, each year, my birthday's just keep getting better...I think this year topped off the others. My friend's rock. Julie got me two cakes from this amazing restaurant (looking forward to our outing J ;-) Overall, it was great to be surrounded by people I feel really safe with and that I really believe are friends. Four non-ashtanga friends came and their comments after were:

"Wow, everyone is in such good shape"

"They all look so flexible with the way they were sitting on the floor"

"They totally have that vegan, white, skinny look." (Myself excluded)


For those of you who came to the party and are reading this - thank you so much for all the love and for seriously making this the most cherishable birthday so far. I'm stocked up on wine and books for a while now.

AND I'm off for a long day of work and I didn't make it to practice this morning for reasons to remain undisclosed.

xoxo